September

Ever since I started middle school,

September has always been a difficult month for me.

Not because of school, but because of family.

A couple of years ago, my childhood friend commited suicide at a young age. The anniversary of her death was last week. I miss her everyday and I wish I had the chance to see her more often before she had passed away because I just miss her a lot.

A couple of years later, my great Lola (grandmother) went into a coma in September I think and then later on in January, she passed away and went to heaven.

And yesterday, my Lolo (grandfather) suffered from a stroke.

I just pray that he's going to be okay and that he's safe in the Philippines.

I wish I could get on a plane and go and visit him to see how he's doing because he's my Lolo and I love him very much.

-Nikki

First Week as a Sophomore

I have an 100 average in all of my classes

besides Biology because that was the only class so far that I have taken and recieved a quiz from (I got a 90 on it :P).

But overall, I have an A+ average meaning that my GPA is a 4.5

And I wanna keep it that way.

I recently became the President of my orchestra, but my job really, is doing nothing.

So I'm Class President and Symphony Orchestra President woot woot!

-Nikki

First Day as a Sophomore

First day of school,

Probably one of the best first days I've had.

I met a new girl named Shakira (idk how she spells her name tho) which made my day.

My Biology teacher doesn't care and is chill and is funny,

Graphics and Photo teacher is cool,

my Geometry teacher is a subsitute for someone on maternity leave and he worked in construction before so he doesn't know what he's doing,

Honors US History1 teacher knows what he's doin,

Orchestra Conductor is the same as last year, easy A+, plus, I was supposed to be in a higher level orchestra but I had to drop out because of scheduling conflicts so I have a high chance of being first stand/ possibly first chair this year :D

Russian teacher is the same as last year, easy A+,

English teacher gets distracted so easily and English is my best subject,

and Gym is Gym.

Considering I really only have to try in one class this year,  is great.

-Nikki

Random

Pictures from Canada

A block being hit by a wave. Cross Process

A feather on some rocks (i found it there) Cross Process

Two Lady bugs gettin it on. Oh yeyuhhhh. Cross Process

-Nikki

I haven't posted in so long

I was currently in Canada all last week

and this week I have preseason for soccer.

I'll upload some pictures later :)

-Nikki

Bangin'

Bangs.

My mumzy cut them today for me :)

Yesterday I went to the beach, got to meet up with some of my best friends,

and I got MAJOR tan lines.

-Nikki

My tan lines and bad lighting and long bangs :(

My new bangs and good lighting :D

Day 30. FINALLY

Your Reflection

Dear Me,

I see a girl, tan with brown/black hair.

One who is bigger than what she should be and taller than she should be.

I keep on reminding myself everyday that I need to eat less and healthier.

But idk what happens.

I honestly see myself as a person who doesn't meet their full potential in a lot of things, like school, drawing, etc.

And I don't know what else to say to myself.

But I am a consistent person and I have proof.

I wrote a letter each day for 30 days.

I find that an accomplishment.

So,

I see a filipino, tan, short, chubby, girl who is consistent with what she does, eats more than what she needs, and needs to work harder at everything.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 29.

The Person You Want to Tell Everything to, But Are Afraid To.

Dear Mumzy,

I know I tell you a lot, but I haven't really told you every single little detail because I'm scared.

There's a lot to say,but I don't want to tell you, or pretty much a lot of people.

And I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 28.

Someone That Changed Your Life

To all of you,

I can't honestly say that only 1 person changed my life, but many people have.

From watching TV, to meeting people at school, almost each person made me realize that you can't always get what you want, don't be mean to others because it'll comme back right at you, etc. etc.

I've met so many great people this year, who've taught me very valuable lessons in life,

and I thank all of you for that.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 15.

The Person You Miss the Most

(I know this is late, but I was trying to figure out what I did wrong in the letter, becuase the numbers weren't matching with the title things.)

Dear You,

You know who you are.

I've talked to you before and said it, but

I really miss you. A lot.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 27.

The Friendliest Person You Knew for Only One Day

Dear Abby,

I only met you for one day at the party for Tito Boyet and Tita Agnes.

Just wanted to say that you're a pretty cool and awesome person,

and you are a unique individual, and I LOVE your obsession for Avenged Sevenfold.

Hahaha.

Well you were nice to me and I didn't even know you.

And then my mom told me that our moms went to high school together.

Fun stuff.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 26.

The Person I Gave a Pinky Promise To

I honestly don't remember giving out pinky promises ever (yeah I'm cool like that).

So this letter thing can't work out.

Ugh WHY?

I haven't written a good letter in so long.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 24.

The Person You Know That is Going Through the Worst of Times

Dear People,

Well honestly, everyone's going through the worst of times right now.

It doesn't have to drastic, but everyone likes to "think" it is.

All I can say is, pick your head up and get over it,

because whatever you're dealing with, sulking around won't make it better.

Do something about it.

Love Always,

-Nikki

p.s. most of these "letters" aren't really turning out to be letters :/

Day 23.

The Person Who Gave You Your Favorite Memory

To my friends,

I can't decide which memory is my favorite because we have so much.

But honestly, all of my favorite memories are with my friends and you all know who you are.

I should write em down though..

-Shannon getting hyped on sugar

-Seeing Kate for the first time in like 10 years

-Hanging with Jenn at the Sculpture Garden

-Being with Sette (hahahha)

-Chillin on the beach at Brighton with Holly, Erini, Missy, and Tanya

-Eating ice cream cake at the lake (RHYME) and having a photoshoot afterwards

There's more, but these are my top favorites.

I just wanna thank you guys for being so awesome and cool like that haha.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 22.

The Last Person You Kissed

Well...

I've never had my first kiss yet.

So again, writing this letter would be pointless.

-Nikki

Day 21.

Someone You Want to Give A Second Chance To

There is nobody I want to give a second chance to.

So this letter is pointless.

-Nikki

Day 20.

Someone You Judged by Their First Impression

Dear You,

I know it's wrong to judge but this was like you were 5 years ago.

I thought you were mean, bossy, b*tchy, and annoying.

And you know what?

I judged right (if that makes sense?).

You're all of those things.

And my diary journals from that year prove it.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Let it Out

I just need a session where I just let every single thought out of my mind.

And I shall do it here.

First off, I have mutual friends with this chick who shares the same likes and dislikes as me and likes the same shows as me, which is kinda weird but actually pretty cool, AND she's filipino.

I've never met her in actual person, but a lot of my friends are friends with her, so it's not like she's a complete stranger.

And second,

I don't think I will ever feel comfortable in my own skin.

I don't think I'm pretty, and I don't think I'm skinny, and it's always been that way since third grade.

Third grade was when I was pretty much taller than everyone and quite the chubby bunny.

I was a little shorter than I am now, but ever since I started growing, I haven't felt comfortable with myself.

I thought being kind of tall was cool for a while, but it wasn't fun towering over my friends.

The years went on, I gained more weight each year, and then my growing slowed down.

I'm 5'3'' I think now and I weigh more than the average 5'3" person because of the muscle in my legs and the fat in my stomach.

I was forced to do squats every single day by my dad so I could get more power in my kicks for soccer.

It worked out, but now I have these huge thighs and calves.

For those of you that know me, you'd probably say that my calves/thighs are not that big, but they're bigger than everyone elses.

Also, I love to eat. My metabolism isn't as fast as most Filipinos which sucks because I'm the child who weighs most in my family.

My little brother calls me fat everyday and he doesn't know how much it hurts for me to hear him say that, which might be a reason as to why I think I'm fat.

I broke down one time three years ago because he called me fat, but he doesn't stop.

And I honestly don't care anymore because I know it's true.

Even though I try eating healthy, it doesn't work for me. I work out, and eat healthy food, but I don't lose the weight.

I'm not bulimic or anorexic.

But when I hear a really skinny chick  say that she's fat,

it just pisses me off because what the're saying is making a person that has more weight on them feel even bigger which is a sucky feeling

I'm just not happy with the way I look, and that is the same for almost every single person in America.

That's all I have to let out for today.

-Nikki

Day 20.

The One Who Broke Your Heart The Hardest

Dear You,

You broke up with me,

but that isn't what hurt the most.

It was through a text message.

That says a lot.

-Nikki

Day 19.

Someone That Pesters Your Mind, Good or Bad

Dear Someone,

I honestly don't know who pesters my mind, good or bad,

because I have so many thoughts going on especially about school and stuff.

But there is one person, not that I actually think.

I thought you were different, and that bothers me so much.

We used to talk all the time,

and now,

I've barely talked to you since school ended.

I know that I told you I was gonna be busy, but that doesn't mean that my phone's off.

Love Always,

-Nikki

I hate Sparta's Schools. So. Effing. Much.

I know that I say "hate" is a really strong word but,

I really do hate my school.

First off, we get a new governor and he makes so many cuts to our effing school/education budgets.

Second, because of those cuts, I have to pay $325 for each sport I play plus $25 for each club I participate, whereas this year, I had to pay nothing.

Third, I have to effing pick between pretty much the three most important classes to me which are Russian, Honors Philharmonic, and Honors History.

Honestly, I can care less about History, but it's an honors class so I have to take it.

And I need Russian because it's a language and its looks better to take the same language for 4-5 years.

So you'd probably say that I should drop Honors Philharmonic right? (It's an advanced orchestra and you have to try out to get in).

Well, at first I didn't make the seating list, and then my teacher said that I should be in it so she put me in.

But now I have to drop it and I have to take the other orchestra class which absolutely sucks balls.

The music is like 4th grade music. Legitimate 4th grade music.

And I really, really, really hate my English teacher even more now because she didn't reccomend me to Honors English when I got an A in her class all year. But I don't care much for her anymore because she got laid off because of the cuts.

I'm just uber pissed off.

-Nikki

Day 18.

The Person You Wish You could Be

Dear Anna Sui,

I wish I could be you. Seriously.

You're designs are amazing and the prints you use and the colors you use are aboslutely gorgeous!

If I could have a day just to be you, or just follow you around (as a mentor thing, not a stalker thing)

I'd do it.

Love Always,

-Nikki

I'm So Excited

Every couple of years,

I spend the summer in my native land of the Philippines.

A lot of my cousins on Facebook have been asking me, "Oh when are you coming back?" and all that kind of stuff,

and I automatically said next summer, because we ALWAYS go in the summer.

So one of my cousins was like, oh I might not see you because I'm going to be away or something like that,  and I was like bummer.

So I told my mom, and she's like what are you talking about? You're going to see him in December?

And I'm like, December? WE'RE GOING IN DECEMBER?!

My mum says, Yeahs we're going in December. It's an anniversary (she mumbled whose anniversary it was, but I think its my Lola's and Lolo's (translates to grandma and grandpa)).

And I was like, NICE. ARE WE GONNA SPEND CHRISTMAS THERE AND MY BIRTHDAY?

And she said that we'll try too, which is REALLY exciting because I've never spent Christmas or my birthday there (besides when I was like, 1)

but I AM PUMPED.

Everything there is so different and so family oriented.

I have so many 2nd cousins because my mum has like a bunch of cousins (my grandpa was the oldest of 9)

and it's just exciting to see all of them because I haven't met a lot of them, but I'm just really excited and I can keep on rambling and blah blah blah.

So until December 2011, I will save up my moolah.

-Nikki

Day 17.

Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Jona,

You've pretty much known me my entire life, seriously.

You knew who I was before I was born.

We hung out all the time when we were younger,

and I remember you telling me about the times we had when we were younger that I couldn't remember.

And ever since, I've been able to tell you almost everything, and anything.

Even though we haven't seen each other for such a long time,

I miss you a lot and we need to hang out sometime.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 16.

A Person Who Doesn't Live in Your State or Country

To All of My Cousins Who Live All around the world,

I love you guys,

even though I haven't met you all, but we are family and I love my family.

To all of my cousins in da flipz,

I miss you guys a lot and I can't wait to see you if I'm going home next year.

To my cousins in the states/Canada,

I miss you guys as well. I visited a few of you this summer and I can't wait to see you guys again.

To my cousins in Europe/other countries,

I have yet to meet you guys but I still love you anyway.

If any of you guys read this, but I doubt you will,

You should know that yu have a very loving family and I'll be there for you no matter what!

Love Always,

-Nikki

Sunflowers

Enjoy :)

I edited this one :)

-Nikki

Day 14.

Someone You Drifted Away From

Dear you,

The reason as to why that I have drifted away from you is because you changed so much and I don't even know who you are anymore.

We were like, best friends during 5th and 6th grade, but then during 7th and 8th grade,

you changed. You weren't yourself anymore.

You used todraw these amazing half animal half human creatures and these fairies, but then you started drawing all of this dark stuff and you know what I'm talking about.

And honestly, I don't like it becaue I miss the old you and I don'tlike the new you.

Before you didn't even curse, and now the words just come out of mouth in every sentence and some of the things you say don't evenmake sense.

I wish you were here.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 13.

Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

To All of You,

Honestly, I don't think I have anything I should be really forgiven for,

so I'll just make this a public service anouncement.

If I ever hurt you, your family, your friends, anyone,

please forgive me for what I've done.

I don't believe/know of that I ever did something so bad that I need to be forgiven for,

but if you do know one, please tell me.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 12.

The Person Who Has Caused you The Most Pain

Dear you,

You know who you are and what you've done.

Ever since that one winter day in 6th grade at the Christmas party,

I have been traumatized and I will never forget what happened.

You know what you did.

You knew what you were doing.

If it weren't for that fat ass, you wouldn't have ended up like you were.

You said it was never going to happen again,

but you lied.

It happened again, but you weren't woozy, you were angry.

So angry you broke a window that still needs to be fixed today.

And then you apologized again, but

you lied again.

And then it happened again for the next couple of years and so forth.

This year, was one of the worst.

It was Kit's birthday and you drank too much,

you made Kit cry and get angry, and you thought it was funny.

You got him mad so he said a couple of mean words and I backed him up on it because that was how you were really acting.

Later after lunch, you almost did something so horrendous that I don't even want to picture or describe what you did.

All Kit and I did on that day of love, was cry and cry and cry.

I know you love us and I love you too,

but you need to make better decisions in life because you have caused my brothers and I a lot of pain and bad memories.

I want to get rid of these memories, but I can't and I never will.

I want you to stop this madness before you need some serious help.

So far, it hasn't been that bad, but if any situation like the ones that occured before, ever happen again,

I must just runaway and never come back.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 11.

A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk to

Dear Stella,

I miss you...a lot.

Like, a lot.

I remember the days when I'd go over Pauline's house and you'd be there trying to study for school during the summer and you were quizzing Pheobe on spelling and she couldn't spell "paragraph" so I spelled it and you were amazed.

This was... 2nd grade I think?

And then I remember in 3rd grade I think,

we were at this Filipino Christmas party,

and you introduced me to the wonders of coffee, coffee creamer, and sugar.

Since that day, whenever I drink coffee, I always use a lot of creamer and sugar.

And then that one day in 6th grade, when my mom got the phone call from Tita Juliet,

I cried and was confused.

And then the day of your funeral, when I was serving with Danica and Olivia,

I just broke down crying.

Anywho, I just really miss you and I wanna know how you're doing up there in heaven,

so just give me a sign or something because you are greatly missed.

and I'll love you forever and ever

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 10.

Someone You Don't Talk to As Much as You'd Like Too

Dear You,

Honestly, I don't really have anyone I'd wanna talk to that I don't really talk to.

There are reasons as to why I don't talk to some people.

But there are a few exceptions.

Maybe there is one person I'd want to talk to.

If you've people have been reading and following my tumblr, there is one person I'd want to talk to,

but they probably don't know I exist.

If you haven't been reading my tumblr, you should go read it because I'm not gonna tell you who this person is.

Nah, I'll tell you.

It's this person who I met in kindergarten, really good friends, the years went on, stopped talking, and then they went to a different school for middle school, but then they came back to my school for high school, and then now they're moving.

I know this is all vague, but I've written about this a lot already and I  really don't feel like writing it again, so yeah.

I'm a really really shy person at first,

I don't really have a lot of confidence.

When you first meet me, I'm really quiet, but when you get to know me better, or watch me play sports, or get mad, I tend to yell a lot. So yeah.

I'm just a really shy person with a lack of confidence to really talk to any new.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 9.

Someone you wish you could meet.

To the many of you,

I have so many people I want to meet.

I want to meet all of my relatives because my family is huge.

My mum's dad has like 9 brothers and sisters, and my dad's dad has like 9 brothers and sisters as well.

Plus there are my grandma's siblings, but I dont really know that part of my family though.

I just want to know who I'm related to and how because I don't want to end up marrying a distant cousin or something, that's gross.

And I want to know where my family comes from and all that good stuff.

Another person I'd like to meet is Anna Sui.

Anna Sui, you are my absolute FAVORITE designer and your ideas inspire me so much to take different ideas and put them together to make something different.

And then there's Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga,

You are different. Unique. and Creative.

You don't let anyone's opinions of yourself into consideration and I love that.

Also, you are very supportive of the gay community and your fans.

To call your fans your friends, really says a lot.

Oh how I'd wish I could meet these people.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 8.

Your Favorite Internet Friend

Dear Louisa,

You are my favorite internet friend because I have been writing you emails for this history project of mine because you live in a different country, which is France.

Even though the project stopped during the 3rd marking period, which was like February or something, I still wanted to talk with you because you're a really cool person and a reall good person to talk to.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 7.

Your Ex-Boyfriend/Love/Crush

Dear you,

First off, I'll start with the ex-Crush.

I've had so many crushes on guys, it's not even funny.

I can even remember all of them and their names and why I liked them.

But most of them never knew I had liked them or whatever.

And this one guy, who I've known since kindergarten was one of my first and longest crushes, but he's never gonna know because he's moving to California.

Just wanted to let you know that you're a really cool person, and the music you make is the shat.

Next, ex-Love.

I don't believe that you can have an ex-Love.

When you love/ are in love with someone, you don't stop loving them.

You can stop being madly in love, but you will always think about them because that little piece of love will always exist for them.

You may not be in love with them, but you'll always have a special place for them in your fist sized heart (cheesiness).

Therefore, writing a little letter to an ex-love would be a waste of time.

Last, ex-Boyfriend.

All I can say is,

I really miss you sometimes, and I'm happy for you,

and I love you as a friend and if you ever need someone, I will always be there for you.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 6.

A Stranger.

To you, the stranger,

I want you to know that I appreciate you reading this little blog of mine.

Yes, I am a young person in this world.

Yes, I know that I like to rant on about anything.

But that's me.

I appreciate you reading this letter project of mine as well.

What should I tell you?

My dreams? Aspirations? My life story? My love life?

Well pretty much, I have it all written on here.

It's like a little diary, but for the whole world to see, even though not many people even know I have a blog.

I speak my entire mind, and all of it, and I'm straight up with people.

And to you the reader, if you have any questions, I will answer them fully and honestly.

Even though I shouldn't be talking to strangers, I don't mind.

Unless you creep on me.

I don't really like creepers.

They scare me.

Just letting you know.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 5.

Your Dreams

To my dreams,

I'm not sure if this means dreams as in I had a really good dream last night, or if it means "I dream of being this and that" so I'm not sure.

Either way, my dreams (sleep wise) are weird and twisted, and usually result in something really good or bad.

And sometimes the situation actually happens in real life.

They all confuse me in the beginning, but in the end, they all make sense.

I'm not really sure how you write a letter to your dreams.

Maybe it's a letter about your dreams?

Well I dream to be a successful adult with a job in the medical field as a nurse practitioner.

I dream of having children and a family and all that good stuff.

And in my spare time, making clothes.

And all at the same time, living in New York City.

Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, but it's what I want to do.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 4.

Your Sibling(s)

To my two younger brothers,

I love you and care so much for you.

I protect you guys, taking the older sister role.

But you guys need to seriously grow up.

Especially the older one.

You act like you're 5, but you'll be 14 in October, and I don't think you're going to be ready for high school if you keep up this immature attitude.

To the younger one, you seriously have an attitude problem.

You need to chill out and relax and stop bashing on people.

You guys need to work on this because if you don't, it'll get you nowhere in life.

No one likes someone who thinks they're hot shat.

No one likes someone who acts like they're 5.

Im only saying this because I love you guys and I want you guys to represent the Espinosas about who they really are, determined and mature indiviuduals who always protect their family and do whats right.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 3.

Your Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I would like to thank you for taking care of me for 15 1/2 years now.

You know I love you and I know you love me,

and I know that you only want whats best for me and that You want to keep me safe all the time as being your only daughter, but

I just want more freedom.

I want to hang out with my friends and actually be social.

I've known Rosette for almost 8 years now and I have never been to her house.

You haven't met most of my friends because I can never hang with them.

I'm going to be 16 in January, and I feel like I need more freedom.

If we were back home in the Philippines, I'd be a senior in High School right now, and next year I'd be in college. Think about it.

I need that freedom.

Love Always,

-Nikki

100th Post!

Yay!

We should celebrate!

Bring out the cake!

-Nikki

Day 2.

Your Crush.

Dear You,

Just like every other hormonal chick who has a crush on some special dude/chick,

you make my heart beat like pow pow pow (OMG by Usher reference :P)

You just...make me so happy on the inside.

But you'll never know that.

Because I'm not even sure if you remember me from long ago.

Love Always,

-Nikki

Day 1.

Your Best Friend.

To My Dearest,

You know who you are. Duh.

I've known you for almost 8 years now, which is more than half of your life.

You are always there for me, and

you know that I'll always be there for you no matter what happens.

You accept me for who I am,

and I accept you for who you are.

We've been through everything together, from boys,

to friends,

to teachers,

to "dem bitches and hoes" (bahahaha),

and I hope we can still continue that as we grow older.

Through the years,

we've gotten closer and closer and I don't ever want our friendship to end.

Ever.

You know that I love you to death, and if you weren't in my life,

I probably wouldn't be able to survive without you.

Love Your Fat Filipino Flow Buddy Always,

Nikki

30 Day Letter Project.

I heard this thing on Facebook,

 where you write a letter each day to the following

i’m going to be like all tons of other people right now and start that 30 day letter writing project. 

1. your best friend 
2. your crush  
3. your parents
4. your sibling (or closest relative)  
5. your dreams  
6. a stranger
7. your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush  
8. your favorite internet friend  
9. someone you wish you could meet  
10. someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to  
11. a deceased person you wish you could talk to  
12. the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
13. someone you wish could forgive you  
14. someone you’ve drifted away from  
15. the person you miss the most  
16. someone that’s not in your state/country  
17. someone from your childhood  
18. the person that you wish you could be  
19. someone that pesters your mind—good or bad  
20. the one that broke your heart the hardest  
21. someone you judged by their first impression
22. someone you want to give a second chance to  
23. the last person you kissed  
24. the person that gave you your favorite memory  
25. the person you know that is going through the worst of times  
26. the last person you made a pinky promise to  
27. the friendliest person you knew for only one day  
28. someone that changed your life  
29. the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to  
30. your reflection in the mirror

Imma do it.

-Nikki