Replay.

So today,

I left school during lunch to go to the wake.

One of the people I was going with's mom was kind enough to drive all five of us there.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw my friend sitting on the ledge with his head down.

He wasn't crying, but his eyes just looked dead.

We all gave our hugs and his voice was just dead. It was the first time I hugged him, but I felt terrible.

We talked outside for a bit, but then we all went inside to give our respects.

When I walked in, I just started crying. Not like hysterically, but teary like crying.

I then started sobbing because I saw my friend's mom crying.

I went to the kneeler thing to pray for my friend's father and I went outside and sat next to my friend.

I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't, so I just put my head down in my heads like I would do when I was younger.

My friend kept rubbing my back and told me that it was going to be okay.

One thing I hate about when I cry is that I cry for a long period of time, and if  try to stop, and I try to either talk or think, I continue crying.

We had to go back to school afterwards so I said goodbye to my friend and I gave him a hug and told him that I would be there for him. It was one of the longest hugs I ever had.

When we got back to school I didn't want to do anything, and when I had to explain myself, I just kept crying.

Now, while I'm at home, I can't stop thinking about today and what I could've done.

I could've went outside before everyone else to talk to my friend.

All I can think about now is how I want to spend time with him.

This is the same kid that I've had crushes on before.

I just want to make sure that he shouldn't have to hide his emotions and that he can always talk to someone.

I still can't stop thinking about all of this.

-Nikki

We all need to go through with it.

Yesterday,

while scrolling through my news feed,

I saw that quite a few people were writing on one of my best friend's wall saying that they loved her and that they're there for her and things like that.

I got curious and scared at the same time. I wanted to know what happened.

I didn't see my friend in school today so I got worried.

I texted one of my friends that is friends with his sister.

When I first read the text, I had to re-read it. I really couldn't believe it.

My best friend's father passed away.

I was so confused. I thought he had a sudden death, but apparently he had cancer and he was in one of the last stages.

My friend never talked about his father.

To be honest, my friend never talked about anything personal. He would just always make me laugh and smile.

Everything just seemed to make sense by then.

I'm guessing the reason why he started telling more jokes and being more funny was because he was trying to hide his emotions, and he did it quite well.

I just wish he wasn't so shy. He's one of the only friends that I don't know much about.

I want to send him a message, a call, a card, anything, but I don't know how he would react to it.

I just feel terrible and I want to do something, but I can't.

I just want to be there for him.

-Nikki