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Replay.

So today,

I left school during lunch to go to the wake.

One of the people I was going with's mom was kind enough to drive all five of us there.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I saw my friend sitting on the ledge with his head down.

He wasn't crying, but his eyes just looked dead.

We all gave our hugs and his voice was just dead. It was the first time I hugged him, but I felt terrible.

We talked outside for a bit, but then we all went inside to give our respects.

When I walked in, I just started crying. Not like hysterically, but teary like crying.

I then started sobbing because I saw my friend's mom crying.

I went to the kneeler thing to pray for my friend's father and I went outside and sat next to my friend.

I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't, so I just put my head down in my heads like I would do when I was younger.

My friend kept rubbing my back and told me that it was going to be okay.

One thing I hate about when I cry is that I cry for a long period of time, and if  try to stop, and I try to either talk or think, I continue crying.

We had to go back to school afterwards so I said goodbye to my friend and I gave him a hug and told him that I would be there for him. It was one of the longest hugs I ever had.

When we got back to school I didn't want to do anything, and when I had to explain myself, I just kept crying.

Now, while I'm at home, I can't stop thinking about today and what I could've done.

I could've went outside before everyone else to talk to my friend.

All I can think about now is how I want to spend time with him.

This is the same kid that I've had crushes on before.

I just want to make sure that he shouldn't have to hide his emotions and that he can always talk to someone.

I still can't stop thinking about all of this.

-Nikki

We all need to go through with it.

Yesterday,

while scrolling through my news feed,

I saw that quite a few people were writing on one of my best friend's wall saying that they loved her and that they're there for her and things like that.

I got curious and scared at the same time. I wanted to know what happened.

I didn't see my friend in school today so I got worried.

I texted one of my friends that is friends with his sister.

When I first read the text, I had to re-read it. I really couldn't believe it.

My best friend's father passed away.

I was so confused. I thought he had a sudden death, but apparently he had cancer and he was in one of the last stages.

My friend never talked about his father.

To be honest, my friend never talked about anything personal. He would just always make me laugh and smile.

Everything just seemed to make sense by then.

I'm guessing the reason why he started telling more jokes and being more funny was because he was trying to hide his emotions, and he did it quite well.

I just wish he wasn't so shy. He's one of the only friends that I don't know much about.

I want to send him a message, a call, a card, anything, but I don't know how he would react to it.

I just feel terrible and I want to do something, but I can't.

I just want to be there for him.

-Nikki

Same shit, different day.

I myself

am falling apart.

To little pieces.

I don't know what I'm doing,

I don't know what I'm saying,

I can't draw a fucking picture,

and I don't know how to add numbers.

I hate feeling like this.

Every.

Single.

Day.

-Nikki



Super Moon.

That's how bright the moon was the other day.

Absolutely gorgeous reflection in the lake.

It was so difficult trying to get a nice shot.

None of these pictures look like how it actually looked in real life.

-Nikki



Here Comes That Feeling You Thought You'd Forgotten.

At one point,

we have that feeling when we see someone.

That feeling of tumbling in your stomach,

your body overheating,

your eyes slowly blinking,

and your heart beating like crazy.

At one point,

we get so tired of the feeling.

We just get so used to it and not realize what's really going on in the world.

And then we lose everything.

At one point,

we then again miss that feeling.

And then it starts all over again.

I've missed that feeling for a long time.

A very long time.

At some points, I feel like it's coming back.

But then it disappears just like that.

But as of now,

I miss it.

-Nikki

Smoke.

edit.

edit.

edit.

-Nikki

Teen Arts

Today, I went to a little art fair at a local college containing artwork from people from grades 7-12 in my area.

It contained many pieces of art including sculptures, photography, art, dance, and music.

One of my projects was selected, but it wasn't one of my best works.

But, it got selected to go to another gallery somewhere else in my state.

I'm glad that it got selected, don't get me wrong, but I know I have other work that is better than what got chosen.

Also, throughout the day, there wwere workshops on art. I only got to do two which were Japanese fish printing and fashion illustration.

I absolutely loved it.

Today was an overall great day :)

-Nikki

"Right Through Me"

Water Droplets

It's Been a While

I think I'll

start posting on this blog more.

More about the little things in life people always overlook.

And probably make it more fashion and art and whatever related because that's why I made it in the first place.

There will always bee the occassional rant in there too somewhere.

-Nikki

I miss you.

Woah,

It's been such a long time since I wrote on this blog.

I feel like I've neglected it for too long. I'm sorry haha. I've been using tumblr way too much haha.

Well, I'm half way done with high school.

I did okay the first two marking periods. I still haven't reached my goal of a GPA of/above 4.0, but I'm almost there (first marking period=3.97 dammit haha).

I played basketball this year, had a terrible season, but I've improved my shooting by a lot compared to last year.

I've made a lot more friends and gotten closer with a few people which is nice.

I've learned that I'm becoming more depressed than I ever have before, but I have my art and photography to help me out so I guess I'm good (if that makes sense).

I talked to my old friend today about what happened to us before. We pretty much walked around the entire school and had a talk.

I still have feelings for him, but I don't think he does for me since everything ended so badly. I don't know.

I'm just going to carry on with my life and go with the flow of things. Whatever happens, happens.

-Nikki